Last update: Saturday, December 15, 2012 05:36:29 PM
ONE LINERS Attitude determines your altitude. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. As our case is new, we must think anew. ó Abraham Lincoln Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. ó Voltaire Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ó Mae West Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. ó Mohandas Gandhi Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. Any fool can know. The point is to understand. ó Albert Einstein Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. ó Cicero Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. All work and no play, will make you a manager. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wonít expect it back. Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. ó Damian Conway Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. ó Oscar Wilde Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Age has its advantages. Too bad I canít remember what they are. Alcohol doesnít solve any problemsÖbut then again, neither does milk. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations. A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. ó Bruce Lee A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. ó Oscar Wilde A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. ó Joseph Stalin A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. A professor is one who talks in someone elseís sleep. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. ó Albert Einstein A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. ó Doug Larson A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ó Winston Churchill A lie told often enough becomes the truth. ó Vladimir Lenin A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life s pent doing nothing. ó George Bernhard Shaw A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girlís complexion seem what it ainít. A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. ó Bruce Lee A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself ó Jim Morrison A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A drunk mansí words are a sober mansí thoughts. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ó Emo Philips A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. ó Woodrow Wilson A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. ó Ayn Rand A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. ó Oscar Wilde A bargain is something you donít need at a price you canít resist. Boards donít hit back. ó Bruce Lee Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. ó George Bernard Shaw Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ó Kin Hubbard Bravery is being the only one who knows youíre afraid. Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day. Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. ó Buddha Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. ó Benjamin Franklin Be nice to your kids. Theyíll choose your nursing home. Be nice to nerds. Chances are youíll end up working for one. ó Bill Gates Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. ó Plato Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ó Mark Twain Bald guys never have a bad hair day. Bad spellers of the world untie! Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. ó Vladimir Lenin Criminal Lawyer Ė a redundant phrase. Crime doesnít payÖ does that mean my job is a crime? Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. ó Pablo Picasso Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ó Mark Twain Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. ó Henry Ford Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Carpenterís rule: cut to fit; beat into place. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Chaos, panic, pandemonium Ė my work here is done Donít be irreplaceable. If you canít be replaced, you canít be promoted. Donít follow me, Iím lost too. Donít let yesterday take up too much of today. Donít mistake activity for achievement. ó John Wooden Donít tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I canít remember. Eagles may soar, but weasels donít get sucked into jet engines. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. ó Benjamin Franklin and Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. ó Stanislaw J. Lec Every solution breeds new problems. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. ó Will Rogers Everybody is somebody elseís weirdo. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. Everyone leaves the world a little better Ė some by leaving. Everyone needs believe in something. I believe Iíll have another beer. ó William Claude Dukenfield Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ó Leo Tolstoy Everything is always okay in the end, if itís not okay, then itís not the end. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ó Steven Wright Examine what is said, not who speaks. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. ó Oscar Wilde F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. Failure is not an option Ė itís a lifestyle. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. Failure teaches success. Fear is the foundation of most governments. ó John Adams First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. ó Ralph Waldo Emerson For good, return good. For evil, return justice. as opposed to im chosid teschoseid im ikesh tisipatel. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. ó Thomas Jones Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass. Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. ó Mark Twain Goals are deceptive. The unnamed arrow never misses. Going to church doesnít make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. ó Albert Einstein Half the people you know are below average. Happiness isnít having what you want, itís wanting what you have. He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. ó Lao Tzu He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. ó Friedrich Nietzsche He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. History has shown there are no invincible peoples. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youíre on. I didnít have time to write a short letter, so Iíve written a long one instead. I didnít say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I donít know where Iím going, but Iím on my way. ó Voltaire I donít like that man. I must get to know him better. ó Abraham Lincoln I donít mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am I donít want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. ó Oscar Wilde I donít care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. ó Groucho Marx I have a strong will but a weak wonít. I have not failed. Iíve just found 10,000 ways that wonít work. ó Thomas Alva Edison I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I canít get my wife to go swimming. ó Jimmy Carter I intend to live forever, or die trying. ó Groucho Marx I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ó Steven Wright I know Iím paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? ó Tom Clancy I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. ó Albert Einstein I like being single. Iím always there when I need me. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ó Fred Allen I need someone really bad! Are you really bad? I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ó Henny Youngman I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore. Iíd agree with you but then we would both be wrong. Iím a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore Iím perfect. Iím busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? Iím not crazy, but the voices in my head might be. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, itís still a foolish thing. If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. ó Mae West If a man tells a woman sheís beautiful sheíll overlook most of his other lies. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If at first you donít succeed, redefine success. If at first you donít succeed; call it version 1.0. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously donít know what the hell is going on. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. If I look confused itís because Iím thinking. If ignorance is bliss, why arenít more people happy? If it wasnít for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress? If we donít protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the idiots are. If you are going through hell, keep going. ó Winston Churchill If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. ó Jim Rohn If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit. If you donít care where you are, then you ainít lost. If you want to make enemies, try to change something. ó Woodrow Wilson It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. ó Albert Einstein It is better to be alone than in bad company. ó George Washington It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. ó Niccolo Machiavelli It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. ó Plato It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. ó Benjamin Franklin Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. ó Jimi Hendrix Learn from your parentsí mistakes Ė use birth control. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise. Life isnít about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ó George Bernard Shaw Light travels faster than sound. Thatís why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand. Married men live longer than single men, but theyíre a lot more willing to die. Materialism: Buying things we donít need with money we donít have to impress people that donít matter. Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. ó Blaise Pascal No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. ó Eleanor Roosevelt Only dead fish go with the flow. Only the winners decide what were war crimes. Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else. Optimist: Someone without much experience. Patience has its limits Ė take it too far and its cowardice. ó George Jackson Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. ó Albert Einstein People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid itís true. Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. ó Warren Buffett Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. ó Evelyn Waugh Quitting is also leading. Recession is when a friend loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ó Ronald Reagan So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. ó Dalai Lama Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. ó Oscar Wilde Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. Spelling is a lossed art. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ó Abraham Lincoln Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Teamwork is essential Ė it allows you to blame someone else. The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. ó Cousin Woodman The beatings will continue until morale improves. The best things in life arenít things. The best way to keep oneís word is not to give it. ó Napoleon Bonaparte The dumber people think you are, the more surprised theyíre going to be when you kill them. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. ó Friedrich Nietzsche The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ó Robert Bloch The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. The only job you start at the top is digging a hole. The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. ó Henry Ford The only really decent thing to do behind a personís back is pat it. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because itís unfamiliar territory. ó Paul Fix The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. ó James Branch Cabell The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. ó Theodore Roosevelt The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. ó Cicero The sole purpose of a childís middle name, is so he can tell when heís really in trouble. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along. The true test of a manís character is what he does when no one is watching. ó John Wooden There are no facts, only interpretations. ó Friedrich Nietzsche There are no short cuts to any place worth going. There are three types of people Ė those who can count and those who canít. There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. ó Buddha Thereís no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. ó Mark Rasch They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. Think much, Speak little, Write less. Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. ó Aristotle Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana. Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. ó John Lennon To be is to do Ė Socrates, To do is to be Ė Sartre, Do be do be do Ė Sinatra To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows the n boss's prerogative. To lead the people, walk behind them. ó Lao Tzu To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Todayís children would be less spoiled if we could spank anscestors! True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ainít going away. ó Elvis Presley Vision without execution is just hallucination. ó Henry Ford War does not determine who is right Ė only who is left. ó George Bernard Shaw We all canít be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. We donít see things as they are, we see them as we are. ó Anais Nin We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. ó Martin Luther King We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. ó Friedrich Nietzsche When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. When everythingís coming your way, youíre in the wrong lane. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep ó not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ó Jack Handey When you donít know what you are doing, do it neatly. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think. Work: millions on welfare depend on you. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; thatís why they call it the present. ó Eleanor Roosevelt You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. You have enemies? Good. That means youíve stood up for something, sometime in your life. ó Winston Churchill You laugh at me because Iím different. I laugh at you because youíre all the same. ó Jonathan Davi You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. ó Margaret Thatcher Youíre only young once, but you can be immature forever. Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. ó Bill Gates Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.